No soap, no hope: A list of things toilet men say

I’ve been working on this gem of an article in my mind for at least two years. The headline pretty much explains it, but if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you’ve probably never been into a men’s toilet/restroom in a bar or club.

Invariably, you’ll find a poorly paid man who invites guests to wash their hands, provides soap and even turns the taps on and hands you paper towels.

These lavatory attendants, as they are probably officially known, also offer a range of designer fragrances in the belief this may help male guests attract a mate for the night, and expect to be rewarded with a coin or two for their efforts. And they’re also supposed to make sure nobody does Class A drugs in the cubicles – unless you make friends with them in advance and offer them some. Apparently.

Some of them are, understandably, miserable as sin. Others, bless them, are a little more upbeat, and before sometimes breaking into full blown chorus, often chant some of the following creative lines to encourage clubbers to wash their hands after touching their penis.

As far as I am aware, this list is absolutely comprehensive, which indicates exactly how constructive my life has been for the last two years. I dedicate it to the Toilet Men of London Town…

“No soap, no hope.” – basic, effective.
“No splash, no gash.”
“Wash your fingers for the mingers.”
“No Armani, no punani.”
“You touch it, you wash it.”
“No spray, no lay” – awesomely, they have even been known to do this to the theme of Hot Hot Hot (Ole ole, ole ole), culminating in “freshen up, up, up!”).
“No tissue, no issue.”
“No Davidoff, no suck it off.” – if only it were that simple.
“No wash, no nosh.”
“No gum, no cum.”
“No money, no honeyz.”
“No cologne, go home alone.”
“No Calvin Klein, no 69.”
“No designer, no vagina.”

Toilet humour indeed.

And finally, a particular favourite, used when they just can’t be arsed any more:
“No fuckin’ soap, no fuckin’ hope”. You have to wonder who they’re really referring to at this point.

Still, proof positive that creativity is all around us. Bravo, Toilet Men!

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